
Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, they are the light bulb.
Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three -- one to change it, one to not-change it and one to both change- and not-change it.
Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Tree falling in the forest.
And finally about love: Q: Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners? A: Because they have no attachments.
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the F" \l "@K" alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tyre.
3. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you fart.
6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 11. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
15. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
16. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
17. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
18. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes of bad judgment.
19. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
20. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
21. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
22. Gaffer tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
23. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
24. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
25. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
26. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
27. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
28. Live like there's no tomorrow. Love like you've never been hurt. And dance like there's no one watching
In other words, meaning well doesn't guarantee an easy ride...
How to give a cat a pill:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10)Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11)Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.




